Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Who am I and Where have I been??

I can't even tell you who I have become..
Life has been hard.
and Just when I feel like I can't possibly grow up at a faster speed something happens and guess what?

For all that wasn't aware from the previous posts. 
These past months, have been hard.. 
one of the hardest parts I can tell you about though is,
my sweet, wonderful Nana lost her fight to cancer.
She went peacefully at home just like she wanted.
but to be honest, 
it didn't make it any easier.
not for me at least. 
Yes. She isn't suffering and NO she didn't deserve any disease that was placed in her life
but I miss her. alot more than you can imagine.
She wasn't my first grandparent to pass away,
she was actually one of my lasts.
but she was the one that was always there.
EVERY Christmas, EVERY prom, EVERY graduation
EVERY birthday you could expect a call and a card.
She never forgot.
Never failed.
She was also a God fearing and loving woman.
Something that I strive to be more and more now that she is gone.
Which made it worse on me. 
to be completely honest.
I got ANGRY.
and I didn't want anyone to know. and I have no idea why.
I just couldn't comprehend why God would put a woman through that,
 who served him as strongly and graciously as she did. 
Someone who always put him first.
Look at all the evil people in this world dying from car accidents and heart attacks 
while my sweet grandma went through months and month of Radiation to help with 
lymphoma all to have to give up in the end because of a brain tumor.
I just don't understand.
But guess what.. I don't have.
My God is all knowing God. 
He knows my heart 
he is slowly blessing me with peace beyond understanding
and that is what I have to be thankful for. 

All I know is I am growing up..
I HATE it when people say 
"your only 24, honey you are a youngster"
that's great.
because at 24 I have dealt with alot..
From death from family,
death from a close friend growing up,
divorced family,
an abusive relationship,
friends stabbing you in the back,
feeling absolutely defeated at work,
feeling like I make good money just for TAXES to take it away
to having my heart being broke from lost loves. 

Well my friends,
if this is any for sight of the future, 
to be honest,
I am NOT excited. 

At this point I feel like I only have a couple of things I can do..
**Tuck my tail.
**Deal with life as it is passed to me.
**Be thankful for the good times with good friends
and not linger on the bad times with fake people.
**Pray.. all day.. and never stop. 
and **keep my family CLOSE.

so THANKFUL for this outlet right now.
sorry if I brought any of you down.



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