Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Inside of Me..

I feel like on any given day there are so many emotions running so strongly through me that it is hard to know what exactly I feel. I am hoping that if I can voice some of these that they will stop eating away at me and I will soon be able to reach that happiness that I am so desperately looking for. This will get deep but hey, apparently that is what I like to do on Wednesdays. (Notice last serious post was a week ago)
So here it goes..

*Disbelief- In my heart I know it is done and that at this moment we are at a place of non return but sometimes it doesn't feel all the way real. I am not sure if it is because I got so used to him being around, carrying his love around with me or just knowing I could have called if something happened but whatever the reason I still don't think I can wrap my head around it. It almost feels like we are on a mini vacation from each other, (where he is with someone else) but things will come back around. But when I ask myself if they ever could, I am almost positive I know the answer.

*Uncertain- so uncertain. Uncertain of pretty much everything except my family and my career. Such as where will I be in a couple of years, and who will I be with? or will I be alone? Will I have the same friends or will we all have moved on? Will I ever forgive and forget? Will I ever love the way I loved him? Will he ever give me my stuff back? (I know right?, he still hasn't) Will I have bought my own house? All these questions I just wish I had some insight to but I don't. I have no idea. Just uncertain!

*Hurt- Way down deep where I am reminded of it constantly and where I don't think it will ever heal. Way down deep in that place that no one is supposed to get to. I hope for the future, to not hurt anymore and to not wish things were better all the time. I want to heal, and they say time is all that can do that but time is just not moving fast enough for me right now. I want to fast forward to me in a better place because these baby steps aren't working for me.

*Betrayed/Stupid- Looking back when everyone tried to warn me and I stuck up for him and us over and over, I get embarrassed. Apparently everyone knew something I just couldn't put my finger on. I assured everyone that we were happy and things were great between us. But looking back now if you move on that fast, apparently things weren't what they seemed, not now, not ever. I am sure that now he is being the perfect  gentleman, doing all the little things that I complained about him not doing. I am so glad I put all the time and effort into training him on how to be perfect for someone else.(NOT)

On the other hand though...

*Accomplished- I am proud of myself. I didn't break down and quit when everyone would have understand if I did. I kept going, kept laughing and kept growing and that is something no one can take away from me. I kept working, (probably even harder) and now I am building my career at age 23. I graduated college in four years while working all the way through, after graduation I found a job that I like and that I can do. These are accomplishments that not everyone has and not everyone can achieve. BUT I DID!

*Stronger- Every single day I get a little bit stronger, things get a little easier and life is a little better. I am stronger not only at work but at Zumba, and in my personal life. God doesn't ever give you more than you can handle and that is how I know this time, I am going to come out on top. My self esteem is only getting higher as each day passes. This is something that no one can take away from me.

*Identity- through it all, I have found myself. The silly me, who loves to laugh and make others laugh, the crazy me that tries to do dance moves and rap, or the sad me that is honest enough to get on here and lay it all out for you, the strong me that through this all I have not gave up, and the loving me that appreciates every dear friend and family member I have.

All these emotions make me, and that is all I know how to be. Right or Wrong, I can't change it.
Thank you all for accepting me with all the feelings I have!!

**Happy Hump Day**

Monday, August 29, 2011

Sometimes it's the little things!!

You're never fully dressed without a smile.  ~Martin Charnin

Positive change is something that I thought I could only see but turns out everyone around me is noticing. Clients, friends, and family all have been commenting on it and that is exactly the positive feedback that I need. Just today a friend/client said exactly this, "Your voice sounds chipper. Your actions are nicer. Your taking care of your self better and I can see your future being fabulous. I am so proud of you!" I also woke up to a text from my Zumba partner saying, "I read your blog and really liked it! I don't have the balls to be that open to everyone! I think it is awesome you wrote it" or last night getting a text from a friend saying, "My roommate read your blog and said it was really good! I can't wait to read it!"

I LOVE this positive feedback!!

Through this change I have realized one thing,  I AM ME!! That's all I know how to be anymore. And the great thing about it is I am enjoying it, laughing things off and having a good time. So I decided, to be on a lighter note, I would bring to light a couple of things I have recently realized that I ABSOLUTELY can NEVER live without again!!!

(These are in no particular order because they are all very important)
* ZUMBA- I go to the ROC as much as my schedule allows. It is FUN & a great workout!! There are tons of women there so it is not awkward or anything. It is a very fair price of $30 for 10 visits or $5 per visit. I think it is the best $30 I have spent in awhile! Anywhere I can go and workout while shaking my rump while listening to Usher or Black Eyed Peas, I AM GOOD!

*Cheap Sunglasses- At this very moment I have 3 pairs (black, brown and aviators) in my purse. I wear contacts and driving in the sun gives me a headache. I love that they are cheap because if I loose them or break them then I feel no remorse. I just simply did in the MK bag and find another pair! :)
*Pumps/Wedges- I love them!! They can turn my day around either by pairing with a great outfit, receiving compliments on them or finding a great deal!! Through the last couple of years I can honestly say I didn't buy one pair because my ex was shorter and I didn't want to be even close to taller than him. Now, in the last 3 months I have bought probably 5 pairs.. I know, its an obsession!! Favorite right now are my bone colored Guess pumps!! Comfy and LOVE them!
*Liquid Mousse & Kenra Finishing Spray- OBSESSED with them both. I use them both every single time I fix my hair. I spray a little liquid mousse and then straighten or curl and then spray on finishing spray. LOVE them. Mousse is from Sally's and the spray is from Ulta. Seriously they will rock your world. One of my best friends always told me the higher the hair, the  closer you are to God!! And lately that has been my motto!! I am branching out and loving it!!

*A beautiful day- Sounds Cheesy, I know But I really do!! When I wake up and take the dog out and it is pretty blues skies, light breeze and sunny, I am instantly put into a good mood. What else could a girl want, a sharp car, nice jams and a perfect day!! LOVE IT!

*Red Wine- It is funny, I never thought I liked the stuff. Every time I would try it I would get a bitter taste that I didn't like and didn't understand. But, when I went through my breakup it was all I wanted and still want. I am in LOVE with Pinot Noir. It makes my world go round. Whether it is happy hour, discussing issues with the girls or a compliment to dinner it is always good!!

I hope this blog made you smile and made you realize some of the small things in life that you couldn't live without!! Yes, these were all material things but sometimes you have to find the little things to make your self happy. These things along with some trash TV and good music (Beyonce, Carter IV, Tim McGraw, or Adele) can make any day better. So keep smiling my friends!! :)

Hope your Monday is bearable!! And remember tomorrow is Tuesday!!  

Saturday, August 27, 2011

If I could pick the best brother, I would still pick you!

"It was nice growing up with someone like you- someone to lean on, someone to count on, and someone to tell on!!"
Man, time flies... It seems like yesterday we were playing together  at my Nana's house, or going on All-Star trips with my dads work (where he would get the pleasure of babysitting me). I can never remember NOT being close to him but all I know now is we ARE close as ever.

He is my backbone and he keeps me sane while dealing with life in general. Whether it is business, love life or family he has my back and I have his. I hope nothing will ever change that. We don't always agree but we always make up!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the best brother ever!!!  Hope today and tonight is amazing!!
Between the live band, pool party, limos, VIP at Hugos AND the 250 Jello Shots I made last night I think we will manage!!

So now you know what I'll be done it is fair to say that I will type to you once I am fully recovered!!

100 years ago! :)

Tailgate fun!

My 19th Birthday!

KY Derby

My UK graduation Night & he was in a wedding! But we had to meet up!

District Golf Meeting!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Who I Am Today..

"God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need, to help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you AND to make you into the person you were meant to be!"
This post is going to be the hardest one yet because it weighs heavy in my heart but I made myself a promise that I would be honest and express myself. So here it goes..

My life hasn't been the easiest nor has it been the hardest. In my opinion, life is something that constantly knocks you down to your knees so you have to look up. Most of the time the struggles in my life are caused by my own decisions and in the end I deal with the consequences. But that other percentage of the time the trials that I face are none that I would have ever chosen, such as the topic of today, Breakups.

Life is hard and full of change. Lately the change part has taken over mine. The last time I remember  being comfortable in my life situation was October of last year. Starting November 1 I got my first (and only) career job. I went from serving at a restaurant, going out all night, sleeping in just to get up and do it all over again. Starting November 1 though, I suddenly was locked into a 4 year contract with number sales I have to hit or I get fired. (Yes, it is that cut and dry) BELIEVE ME, I love my job NOW! But I am still stressed to the max and worry about every month and quarter but I know in the end it WILL be worth it.

I was also in the middle of my relationship that had started a couple of years back. Funny thing is when I was first around him I couldn't stand him, he was quiet, laid back and passive. I, on the other hand, love to talk, laugh, act crazy and I am definitely aggressive at some points. After about 6 months of him texting me asking me to meet him for drinks, or rent movies or a happy hour, I still wasn't interested. Then, my living situation changed and I moved to a rental house close to him. (another CHANGE) Suddenly it wasn't as easy to blow him off. We started meeting for drinks or an appetizer at the closest place. All of a sudden, I found myself enjoying his company, laughing at his jokes (I was surprised he even had any) and seeing him out with  our mutual friends. I would get those butterflies that everyone would talk about and I would find myself checking my phone like an addict, addicted to the feeling he was giving me. Things progressed and we soon started spending LOTS of time together, watching fireworks (when he asked me to be his girlfriend) and going on a couple of vacations together. 2 years into the relationship, I realized how much fun we had and I started to admit to myself and everyone else that he was "the one". My family LOVED him and he accepted them all for who/what they are (which is a challenge). I felt at home around his family as well, they welcomed me in like I was one of their own. They were more than entertaining and I looked forward to holidays, birthdays and tailgates that I would get to spend with them. (More of the things I will REALLY miss)

The Notorious November crept up and things were still okay. I was virtually stress free that November and December because of a training grace period. Then came January, February and March, my first real quarter at work, my first months of really hitting the pavement and begging for business. Things got rough, and to be honest now, I am POSITIVE I took it out on him. With all my family in the business it is hard to talk to them about the stress of it all so he got most of it. I made my quarter though, and we celebrated. His support was an  UNREAL amount and UNDESERVING at that time. Things got harder, my schedule had totally changed and I was now dreaming of bed by 10:30, when he was just getting started on having a good time. I would be getting up and heading for work and he would sleeping the day away. Apart of me now wonders if I resented him for that freedom he still had. We started to argue more and more and honestly, sometimes I would rather just not deal with it then try. I was trying so hard at work that there wasn't much left of me. I would come home with headaches, not really wanting to talk about my day at all. Since in the past I lead most of our converstaions this turned into a lot of silence between us.
I decided in June (I think) that we needed to take some time apart. Looking back I realize how different men and women are!! I was hoping he would realize how great I was and how lucky we were and I would in turn do the same thing! Then we could work things out and they would get better, so much better!! But as you know, this isn't how it happened. There were about 4 days when he would call me over and over, stop by just to tell me he loved me, and do anything I wanted to do when he was off. But when I didn't respond right back he got discouraged, disengaged and ultimately moved on.  A few weeks later when news of him and his new girlfriend surfaced I was devastated. I mean DEVASTATED! I cried every single day, at the worst times and practically all the time. I would have dreams about him (which still happens sometimes), I would lay in bed at night and wonder what he was doing and if he ever thought about me. I would fight off urges to call or text him. I would talk about him with my friends constantly and I knew they would be sick of hearing it.. So, I finally decided to write him a letter and leave it with his stuff. The first one was mean, of course, and consisted of more cuss words than regular vocabulary words. I finally pulled it together, and sat down at work and wrote a real letter. I discussed how I was hurt, I didn't understand how this happened and I had no idea where to go from here.. I received no response. That is when my friends started to tell me I just had to let go (which is so much easier said than done) Those weeks consisted of  a little feeling sorry for myself, a lot of wine, even more tears mixed with a family vacation (which he was supposed to go on). Needless to say though, I got through it. Yes, I still think about him, probably more than I should but it's getting easier (some days are easier than others) In that breakup, not only did I loose the guy that I thought was the one, but I lost my best friend as well. I think I will always miss his smile, our inside jokes but I will always remember the memories and he will always have a piece of my heart as my pony.

I am just now getting to a point where I am accepting it for what it is and I am putting it in God's hands.
The last time we talked though, (while his new girl was there) he told me I needed to find myself, find the things that make me happy and really focus on those things. The day he said it I was in such a bad place that it just made me hate him more for the fact he was questioning my character. However, looking back now I realize he was right, I had lost myself somewhere in all the CHANGE. Who I was, what I stood for, what I liked to do and even where I liked to eat were questions I couldn't answer when I was with him. When we met I was a strong and confident  girl when we broke up I was a confused women. Right now I am somewhere in the middle of those two. I have started to find myself!! The things I love and hate, what I stand for and the goals that I WILL accomplish in my life. (Which leads to the next blog! Coming soon!)
Hope this helped some, related to some! THANK YOU FOR READING!
I promise the next will be in better spirits!! :)

XOXOXO Meggie!!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Happy Birthday Lauryn!

"Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.”

REAL friends are hard to come by, but luckily in my life I have been fortunate to meet a couple REAL friends. I have a group of girl friends who are strong enough to disagree with me but loving enough to accept my apology when I am wrong. That alone makes me blessed beyond measures.

Today is one of those AMAZING girls birthdays!! I think the perfect quote for us would be...
"The best friends are the ones you don't have to talk to everyday, who understand why you didn't take their advice to not call him, or why you keep going back to him after he breaks your heart, the ones who call you at 4 am to let you know they're drunk, who listen when they've heard the same story a thousand times, they call just to say hi, and even if you are passed out, wasted and look horrible- they'll turn and say 'Hell yeah, that's my best friend."

If it wasn't for Lauryn I wouldn't have had a date to our senior prom! Had an amazing time on our senior trip while singing, "My Humps"! I wouldn't have had anyone to hit the bars with our freshman and sophmore year of college! I wouldn't have had anyone to help me learn how to cook or someone to lay in bed with and cry when a boy broke my heart. I wouldn't have had anyone to drink wine with while watching endless TV shows!! I wouldn't have had that extra piercing that I REALLY want back!! I wouldn't have had someone to make me smile, or laugh till I cried! I love her so much!

Even though today our dates end up with us eating out for dinner and me loving on her sweet precious boy, I will never forget all the crazy times we had!! She is truly one of my best friends!!

So Lauryn, here is a small colleauge of our pictures and I hope that today is even half as great as you are!!!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

5 years ago today I was moving to Lex...

Growing up is something that happens to everyone, you can't stop it or put it off, it just happens. When I graduated high school in 2006 I had no idea what August would be like except for the fact that I was going off to college at UK! I knew I was excited though! (I mean hello, I grew up in a SMALL town, not only that but a DRY small town)! In High School I was never the party girl and little did I know that I would suddenly be thrown into a wild freshman life.

College was intimidating, but luckily I had an amazing brother (The Vet) that had already put in his full 6 years at college and could help me with any questions I may have. This turned into him helping me buy my books for the first time at Kennedy Bookstore, preparing me for sorority rush (how he knew all the details I didn't ask), moving me into my dorm room, explaining the time line of tailgating (always leaving a good 2.5 hours before kick-off time) and setting me off into the free world. (More details on how he helped me survive in a minute)

I moved in Kirwan IV in August. For the next week we would rush and visit houses by day and hangout at night. There were lots of movies, TV shows, Target trips and food ordering, Getting to know those girls was great and I still run into some of them to this day. Here is one of the pictures that was taken of all us just hanging out. (Of course, we are all on our cell phones)

After rush, my roommate was finally going to arrive and I was beyond excited. I made sure to pick up the room and after she finally found the dorm, we reunited!! (She circled the block about 10000 times before realizing where we were going to live) I LOVE HER! She had no idea what she was getting herself into, just ask her!! This is us the day she moved in!!

Now, back to the brother, lets just call him "The Vet (short for veteran)" INSISTED we go to dinner the Sunday that I got threw with rush. He kept saying no matter what you join or who your new friends are, we HAVE to go to dinner. I agreed not knowing or even thinking of the alliterative motive.

Needless to say, I rushed, and nothing ever came of it. Let's keep moving from that subject! So I met "the Vet" out for dinner that night. After paying the bill The Vet slid an ID across the table.. This little small town girl had no idea why? The Vet then said the words I will never forget, "Here is your first fake ID. That is the least I can do for you to help you get through your freshman year" Little did I know all the excitement this would later bring me!

This is my first bar picture.. Wow, I know!! Theses are all the girls from my dorm floor and my amazing friend Katie (who took me under her wing)!!

So today, looking back on all the new people I met, became close with and now have lost touch, it makes me sad!! But I will never forget the memories which include tailgating, late nights out, playing in the snow after having some beverages and ordering TONS of food late night!!

Needless to say, I miss college! But my time is over and all I can say to all you people still in college is do just as Tom Petty said,
"You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does..."
Type to you soon! Go out and enjoy your weekend!!!

Friday, August 19, 2011

There is a first time for everything...

So.. I am new to this whole blogging thing but I am very interested. How else can I get all of you people to listen to what I have to say! (haha) Needless to say I am a 23 year old professional, with a crazy family, a wild group of the best girlfriends and a two year relationship that just went down the drain a couple of months ago.. I know what your thinking, I sound like every other girl but I think the situations I encounter and the situations that I just have to laugh off are slightly more entertaining than most. And believe me, there is more details to  come but I can't show you all the cards on the first blog, now can I?

The general synopsis is that I come from a divorced family that has now developed into me having 2 moms, 2 dads, 2 stepbrothers, 1 step sister in law, 1 real brother, an AWESOME step-nephew, and a BEAUTIFUL niece (who I miss)! Talk about crazy and you can't even imagine how busy my holidays are! But needless to say, we love hard and we disagree hard but no matter how far we all are from each other or how busy we are, I know they have my back.

Friends.. Well most days it goes like this, I don't know what I would do without my friends but I don't really know what to do with them. My best friends are those that I have known for 15+ years and when you say it like that you can only imagine all the good times and all the bad times. We have all been friends for so long that it turns out we all fight over clothes, boys and any thing else under the sun just like sisters. Really, they ARE my sisters. I know I can call any one of them at any given time and they will drop everything to attend to me, whether it be me calling Lauren to drool over online shopping, Rachel to tell her about the drama of day to day life, Natalie to tell me that people are just  crazy, Lauryn to hear her sweet voice telling me everything is okay, or Allison telling me to put on big girl panties and let it go. Everyone of them show a different type of love, some show tough love, some show sweet love and others just listen. But I know one thing I can't live life without them. Believe me, there will be tons more to come about them.  (LOVE my western KY girls)

My other friends are my LEX friends, Thurman (who is my backbone) Katie & Becca ( I have to say in pair because that is how they come), Ashton (who has been there for me forever) and Susanna (who can always make me laugh) !! I couldn't survive without all of these girls!!

And I hope you all can bare with me while I share some of our CRAZY stories and our SAD stories through my blog, because that my friends, is what makes up my life!!

I guess since I am so used to work emails and letters that I am trying to go over my expectations of this blog in my head. (wow) But I guess they would have to be for me to be honest and speak freely, and to keep up with this. To gain friends and followers and show other people how the last couple of months and other people's blogs have helped me survive some of the worst months I have had in my life!! To them, I appreciate it!!

So Happy Friday and I look forward to typing to you soon!!



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