Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Who I Am Today..

"God doesn't give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need, to help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you AND to make you into the person you were meant to be!"
This post is going to be the hardest one yet because it weighs heavy in my heart but I made myself a promise that I would be honest and express myself. So here it goes..

My life hasn't been the easiest nor has it been the hardest. In my opinion, life is something that constantly knocks you down to your knees so you have to look up. Most of the time the struggles in my life are caused by my own decisions and in the end I deal with the consequences. But that other percentage of the time the trials that I face are none that I would have ever chosen, such as the topic of today, Breakups.

Life is hard and full of change. Lately the change part has taken over mine. The last time I remember  being comfortable in my life situation was October of last year. Starting November 1 I got my first (and only) career job. I went from serving at a restaurant, going out all night, sleeping in just to get up and do it all over again. Starting November 1 though, I suddenly was locked into a 4 year contract with number sales I have to hit or I get fired. (Yes, it is that cut and dry) BELIEVE ME, I love my job NOW! But I am still stressed to the max and worry about every month and quarter but I know in the end it WILL be worth it.

I was also in the middle of my relationship that had started a couple of years back. Funny thing is when I was first around him I couldn't stand him, he was quiet, laid back and passive. I, on the other hand, love to talk, laugh, act crazy and I am definitely aggressive at some points. After about 6 months of him texting me asking me to meet him for drinks, or rent movies or a happy hour, I still wasn't interested. Then, my living situation changed and I moved to a rental house close to him. (another CHANGE) Suddenly it wasn't as easy to blow him off. We started meeting for drinks or an appetizer at the closest place. All of a sudden, I found myself enjoying his company, laughing at his jokes (I was surprised he even had any) and seeing him out with  our mutual friends. I would get those butterflies that everyone would talk about and I would find myself checking my phone like an addict, addicted to the feeling he was giving me. Things progressed and we soon started spending LOTS of time together, watching fireworks (when he asked me to be his girlfriend) and going on a couple of vacations together. 2 years into the relationship, I realized how much fun we had and I started to admit to myself and everyone else that he was "the one". My family LOVED him and he accepted them all for who/what they are (which is a challenge). I felt at home around his family as well, they welcomed me in like I was one of their own. They were more than entertaining and I looked forward to holidays, birthdays and tailgates that I would get to spend with them. (More of the things I will REALLY miss)

The Notorious November crept up and things were still okay. I was virtually stress free that November and December because of a training grace period. Then came January, February and March, my first real quarter at work, my first months of really hitting the pavement and begging for business. Things got rough, and to be honest now, I am POSITIVE I took it out on him. With all my family in the business it is hard to talk to them about the stress of it all so he got most of it. I made my quarter though, and we celebrated. His support was an  UNREAL amount and UNDESERVING at that time. Things got harder, my schedule had totally changed and I was now dreaming of bed by 10:30, when he was just getting started on having a good time. I would be getting up and heading for work and he would sleeping the day away. Apart of me now wonders if I resented him for that freedom he still had. We started to argue more and more and honestly, sometimes I would rather just not deal with it then try. I was trying so hard at work that there wasn't much left of me. I would come home with headaches, not really wanting to talk about my day at all. Since in the past I lead most of our converstaions this turned into a lot of silence between us.
I decided in June (I think) that we needed to take some time apart. Looking back I realize how different men and women are!! I was hoping he would realize how great I was and how lucky we were and I would in turn do the same thing! Then we could work things out and they would get better, so much better!! But as you know, this isn't how it happened. There were about 4 days when he would call me over and over, stop by just to tell me he loved me, and do anything I wanted to do when he was off. But when I didn't respond right back he got discouraged, disengaged and ultimately moved on.  A few weeks later when news of him and his new girlfriend surfaced I was devastated. I mean DEVASTATED! I cried every single day, at the worst times and practically all the time. I would have dreams about him (which still happens sometimes), I would lay in bed at night and wonder what he was doing and if he ever thought about me. I would fight off urges to call or text him. I would talk about him with my friends constantly and I knew they would be sick of hearing it.. So, I finally decided to write him a letter and leave it with his stuff. The first one was mean, of course, and consisted of more cuss words than regular vocabulary words. I finally pulled it together, and sat down at work and wrote a real letter. I discussed how I was hurt, I didn't understand how this happened and I had no idea where to go from here.. I received no response. That is when my friends started to tell me I just had to let go (which is so much easier said than done) Those weeks consisted of  a little feeling sorry for myself, a lot of wine, even more tears mixed with a family vacation (which he was supposed to go on). Needless to say though, I got through it. Yes, I still think about him, probably more than I should but it's getting easier (some days are easier than others) In that breakup, not only did I loose the guy that I thought was the one, but I lost my best friend as well. I think I will always miss his smile, our inside jokes but I will always remember the memories and he will always have a piece of my heart as my pony.

I am just now getting to a point where I am accepting it for what it is and I am putting it in God's hands.
The last time we talked though, (while his new girl was there) he told me I needed to find myself, find the things that make me happy and really focus on those things. The day he said it I was in such a bad place that it just made me hate him more for the fact he was questioning my character. However, looking back now I realize he was right, I had lost myself somewhere in all the CHANGE. Who I was, what I stood for, what I liked to do and even where I liked to eat were questions I couldn't answer when I was with him. When we met I was a strong and confident  girl when we broke up I was a confused women. Right now I am somewhere in the middle of those two. I have started to find myself!! The things I love and hate, what I stand for and the goals that I WILL accomplish in my life. (Which leads to the next blog! Coming soon!)
Hope this helped some, related to some! THANK YOU FOR READING!
I promise the next will be in better spirits!! :)

XOXOXO Meggie!!

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