Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Inside of Me..

I feel like on any given day there are so many emotions running so strongly through me that it is hard to know what exactly I feel. I am hoping that if I can voice some of these that they will stop eating away at me and I will soon be able to reach that happiness that I am so desperately looking for. This will get deep but hey, apparently that is what I like to do on Wednesdays. (Notice last serious post was a week ago)
So here it goes..

*Disbelief- In my heart I know it is done and that at this moment we are at a place of non return but sometimes it doesn't feel all the way real. I am not sure if it is because I got so used to him being around, carrying his love around with me or just knowing I could have called if something happened but whatever the reason I still don't think I can wrap my head around it. It almost feels like we are on a mini vacation from each other, (where he is with someone else) but things will come back around. But when I ask myself if they ever could, I am almost positive I know the answer.

*Uncertain- so uncertain. Uncertain of pretty much everything except my family and my career. Such as where will I be in a couple of years, and who will I be with? or will I be alone? Will I have the same friends or will we all have moved on? Will I ever forgive and forget? Will I ever love the way I loved him? Will he ever give me my stuff back? (I know right?, he still hasn't) Will I have bought my own house? All these questions I just wish I had some insight to but I don't. I have no idea. Just uncertain!

*Hurt- Way down deep where I am reminded of it constantly and where I don't think it will ever heal. Way down deep in that place that no one is supposed to get to. I hope for the future, to not hurt anymore and to not wish things were better all the time. I want to heal, and they say time is all that can do that but time is just not moving fast enough for me right now. I want to fast forward to me in a better place because these baby steps aren't working for me.

*Betrayed/Stupid- Looking back when everyone tried to warn me and I stuck up for him and us over and over, I get embarrassed. Apparently everyone knew something I just couldn't put my finger on. I assured everyone that we were happy and things were great between us. But looking back now if you move on that fast, apparently things weren't what they seemed, not now, not ever. I am sure that now he is being the perfect  gentleman, doing all the little things that I complained about him not doing. I am so glad I put all the time and effort into training him on how to be perfect for someone else.(NOT)

On the other hand though...

*Accomplished- I am proud of myself. I didn't break down and quit when everyone would have understand if I did. I kept going, kept laughing and kept growing and that is something no one can take away from me. I kept working, (probably even harder) and now I am building my career at age 23. I graduated college in four years while working all the way through, after graduation I found a job that I like and that I can do. These are accomplishments that not everyone has and not everyone can achieve. BUT I DID!

*Stronger- Every single day I get a little bit stronger, things get a little easier and life is a little better. I am stronger not only at work but at Zumba, and in my personal life. God doesn't ever give you more than you can handle and that is how I know this time, I am going to come out on top. My self esteem is only getting higher as each day passes. This is something that no one can take away from me.

*Identity- through it all, I have found myself. The silly me, who loves to laugh and make others laugh, the crazy me that tries to do dance moves and rap, or the sad me that is honest enough to get on here and lay it all out for you, the strong me that through this all I have not gave up, and the loving me that appreciates every dear friend and family member I have.

All these emotions make me, and that is all I know how to be. Right or Wrong, I can't change it.
Thank you all for accepting me with all the feelings I have!!

**Happy Hump Day**

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